Pursuing Joy in Ultrarunning

For the past few years, after completing my main "A" race of the year—the one I’ve been focused on and working toward for months—I find myself feeling frantic, confused, lost, depressed, unsettled, and stressed. While I do feel a burst of joy from achieving such a big goal, that excitement fades quickly, replaced by a persistent sense of uncertainty and anxiety about what comes next. I've been constantly trying to one-up my own achievements by going farther or choosing a more difficult race than the one before. I say I am trying to find my limits, but what would need to happen in order for me to decide they have been found? A DNF? Death? Do they really need to be found?

I read an interesting post the other day by an ultrarunner I do not know personally (thanks, creepy Facebook algorithm). He likened this constant pursuit of "more" to a kind of self-imposed prison to which the door is unlocked. And I could relate to that. I've been recognizing myself as having, at least in part, an unhealthy relationship with ultrarunning. On one hand, it's been exciting to pursue huge goals that I wasn't sure I would be capable of achieving. Having then achieved those goals has been an amazing experience. But on the other hand, it did come with a cost. And the cost was joy.

It took me 39 hours to complete my last 100-miler, the most difficult race I have attempted to date. I spent 10 of those hours feeling nauseous after puking up everything in my stomach. After the nausea subsided, I spent another 10 hours with feet so painful that I could only (very painfully) hike it into the finish. While the first 19 hours of the race was an incredible and joyful experience, I then chose to suffer for 20 more hours in order to cross the finish line. Do I regret this? No, because ultimately, it's the experience I chose, and seeing it through was important to me. But it does make me question the sanity of my choices.

So now I have spent the better part of six weeks spiraling and wondering "what next." Do I need to one-up this most recent achievement, or can I finally walk out the prison door and instead choose something purely for the joy of it? I've been reevaluating my relationship with ultrarunning. For years I've been stuck in a pattern of choosing the "next harder thing." But I'm reaching a break point (or perhaps... a limit). If the next harder thing is sure to cause me more stress and inevitable suffering, is it worth it? Is it worth sacrificing joy in order to continue pursuing more, more, more?

It's hard because I see others doing more. My own friends, peers, and internet strangers are doing more than me. They are going farther, running faster, and accomplishing more race finishes than me. But my relationship to ultrarunning is a choice. My race preferences are a choice. My reason for running is a choice. And I think, for once, I'm ready to choose joy over suffering. That doesn't mean I'll never choose "the next harder thing," but I will only choose it if that decision genuinely brings me joy. I've stuck with this crazy, extreme sport for more than a decade because I genuinely love it. I want to run and participate in races for as long as physically possible. Perhaps I don't want to find my absolute limit after all, because doing so could compromise my longevity in this sport (and almost certainly my joy). 

So, what's next? I'm taking a year (or more) off 100-mile races. I'm officially breaking the cycle of "more" and walking out that prison door. I'm going to focus on goals that bring me joy and minimize suffering. We tend to glorify suffering in ultrarunning, but it doesn't have to be that way. Should it be that way? 

Let me finish by stating that I am not criticizing or judging anyone else's personal running goals. I totally understand the mentality of wanting to accomplish a longer distance, faster time, or any other type of running goal you may have. The point here is to reflect on why you want to accomplish that goal and whether or not it's healthy and reasonable to continue reaching for the "next harder thing" over and over and over. Is there a limit to the suffering you are willing to endure, because that constant reaching will almost always come with more and more suffering.

Reach out if you would like help evaluating and working towards your next running goals. Jen and Ryan Wold are UESCA Certified Ultrarunning Coaches. Click here to learn more!